4 core requirements you must meet if you want to write for Cracked.com

Cracked.com is a humor website that relies on its readers to supply it with content. That means you, the one reading this, can be published and have your work seen by millions! Here are four tips for the aspiring Cracker to help you along your path to Crackdom.

4. Hate everything.

Every Cracked.com article is based upon the timeless paradigm of objectivity and condescending commentary. Appear as the candid observer, making note of any hypocrisy, shortcoming, or other weakness that is evident in the subject. Any tone of optimism or sympathy should be avoided at all costs, even if it means deflecting from possible holes in your argument with shameless profanity, crudeness, or ad homenim and straw-man attacks. Your goal as a Cracked.com contributor is to instill seething, festering hatred into the minds of your readers. Write with the intent to shock and offend. Slurs, profanity. cruelty, stereotypes, and otherwise pejorative phrases are an essential part of any Cracked.com article.

Images such as this are indispensable because of their extreme,

attention-catching, and offensive nature.

Never ever actively take a stand on a subject; your position should be entirely reactionary. Presenting an argument that is not predicated upon another's wrongness sets you up to be knocked down. Easily hate-able topics include religion, right-wing politics, concerned parents, and traditional morality. These topics are all great starting spots for the aspiring Cracked.com contributor.

3. Think simply.

According to the Cracked.com philosophy, any topic, no matter how complex it may be, is reducible into short, numbered lists. All information must fit into this rigid journalistic format:

Title: Number/ adjective/ subject noun/ nominative/ auxiliary verb /verb

Introduction/ broad generalization

Claim #3

Picture #3

---

Claim #2

Picture #2

---

Claim #1

Picture #1

...(and so on)

Profanity

2. Sound smart.

Portmanteaus, gerunds, allusions, jargon, and big words in general are all benefactors to your soon-to-be Cracked.com article. Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he proclaimed that logos (logic) was an indispensable part of a sound argument. Now, I can sense some of you are worried that you may not be able to gather facts supporting your article when you know that a cornerstone of Crack-dom is misinformation and falsehood. Despair not! The Internet is so full of bad information, crackpot theories, convoluted data and overall garbage that there's sure to be at least a few facts that will support your argument!

"There's got to be some statistics connecting the Bush

Administration and obesity rates in here somewhere."

1. Be ironic.

Remember: the main goal of Cracked.com is to piss people off. This is not satire like The Onion or The Colbert Report. All those are specifically designed to make you laugh, then make you think. Cracked.com is designed to make you laugh, then make you form a lynch mob. Irony is the supreme method of circumventing arguments against your article; your goal as a writer is to piss people off by exposing fallacious arguments, by using fallacious arguments. Poke fun at this blatant conflict throughout the article. Addressing it yourself makes it sound like it's 'case closed', so any time somebody points it out, you can react like a hipster who's asked about Arcade Fire- "Yeah, I know (scowl)." The humor the irony brings to the article will blast it into the stratosphere of funny.

"Yeah, I heard about Arcade Fire winning a Grammy or whatever.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to repair the brakes on my fixie."

Why don't we use nukes to save Japan?

Now that I have your attention, I would like to propose a method of preventing a good deal of damage from tsunami waves. It's called phase cancellation.

Phase what?

The phase of a wave refers to the direction its traveling in. The top illustration shows two waves that are traveling in opposite directions. The bottom shows the two waves traveling in the same direction.

For you mathy people, two waves traveling in opposite directions with the same amplitude and frequency are shifted 180 degrees or pi radians away from each other.

How does it work?

When the ups of one wave line up with the ups of another wave, resonance occurs (bottom picture), which means the resulting wave is twice as large as the two other waves. When the downs of one wave combine with the ups one one wave, they cancel each other out and the wave no longer exists (top picture).

This is the same technology used by Bose in their noise-canceling headphones.

So what about Japan?

In the case of the Tsunami in Japan, given enough advance warning, we could use explosives to set off waves of the same frequency of the tidal wave but headed straight at the epicenter to hopefully cancel out the wave. This may sound reckless and destructive, but it takes massive amounts of energy to stop a massive tidal wave. Nuclear bombs probably would be a bad idea to use because of radioactive fallout (unless we're all itching for nuclear disarmament), so we would probably use more conventional explosives.

Science nerds, read on. Non-Science nerds, read at your own risk.

According to the Law of Entropy, the bombs we set off would have to release more energy than the wave we're stopping, which would result in creating another tidal wave, which could be larger or smaller, depending on the effectiveness of the charges. We would have to find a way to direct all the energy from the blast within 180 degrees (a half circle) instead of in a full circle to do so safely, just like Bose can use a speaker to direct sound energy in only one direction in their noise-canceling headphones.

Since we presumably can't detonate a bomb on top of the epicenter as the earthquake is occurring, the best strategy would be to detonate the charges in near any landmasses that lay in the path of the tsunami. By doing so, we eliminate the possibility of completely cancelling out the wave. However, we would be able to coordinate the charges to create an 'envelope of safety' around a landmass by aligning the nodes of the wave around the landmass in question. Take a gander at the highly technical drawing below.

Useful Crap I Can't Remember and Useless Crap I Can Remember

Useless crap I can remember:

• Ethanol is the antidote for Methanol poisoning.
• Neckties were originally used as napkins of sort, but are now simply decorative (and completely useless).
• The vast majority of bacteria we come in contact with have no virulent effects on humans, yet we see it fit to kill all of them on our hands.
• Ketamine users often report experiencing unaccessible dimensions or rifts in space, known as 'the K-Hole'.
• Schizophrenia is thought to be caused by excess levels of dopamine in the brain.
• Serotonin levels play a direct role in one's perception of social status. Higher levels result from increased caloric intake which result from higher social status. Presumably.
• Facial symmetry is a primary factor when determining attractiveness. Very few people are aware of this.
• Friedrich Wohler, upon isolating Urea from urine, believed he had discovered an ethereal 'life force' due to Urea's faint glow.
• 75% of Neanderthal skeletons discovered have dental hypoplasia, which indicates significant malnutrition.
• The phase of a wave refers to the direction it travels in. Two waves can combine with different phases to produce different harmonics.
• Humans have the slowest growth rate of any known mammal.
• In their early days, electric vehicles were superior to gas-powered vehicles in terms of top speed, acceleration, cost, and reliability. Most likely big oil execs pushed for Americans to favor gasoline just to make money.
• Thomas Edison invented the first practical light bulb. The first lightbulb was invented 80 years prior to Edison's and used a platinum filament.
• Frederick Douglass was a strong advocate of women's rights.
• Neanderthals consumed around 8000 calories a day. Now that's the life.

Useful crap I can't remember

• Where I put my keys
• My class schedule
• Homework due dates
• Reading assignments
• My professors' names
• Hours the pool is open
• How to prepare food
• Today's date, and occasionally the current year
• My street address

Conclusion

I don't really remember what I was trying to get at. But I do know the hippocampus plays a role in memory encoding.

7 Ways Women Are Like Stars

They bring life and happiness to the universe, but must be kept at the right distance.

In the field of exobiology, scientists have determined that every solar system has a so-called Habitable Zone (aka Goldilocks Zone). The habitable zone is the distance a planet can be from the sun where it gets enough heat to support life, but not too much heat that would kill life.

They tend to group together.
Scientists have collected and analyzed data that indicates that as much as 85% of the solar systems in the universe have what is called a binary star system, which is a solar system that actually revolves around two stars that revolve around each other.

Things tend to revolve around them.

Most stars demonstrate a real knack for capturing passer-by's. An innocent comet could be just passing through, but the star's gravitational force captures it and the comet very well could spend the rest of its days orbiting that star.

Hot flashes.

About 5/7th of the way through its life cycle, it begins to heat up and expand, eventually turning into a red giant. When this occurs, it will typically engulf everything revolving around it in a raging sea of flame and destruction. Same with stars, too.

Everyone stops and looks when one of them falls.
Okay, you don't wish upon a falling chick, but you get the point.

They are oft studied and rarely understood.

Until recent times, nobody knew much about what stars were made of, or what governed their movements and actions. The movements of stars were so un-understandable and unpredictable that it took us until the 17th century A.D. to realize that the same laws of attraction apply on earth and in the stars.

The one nearest to you is the most exceptional.

It took astronomers millennia to figure out that the stars in the heavens are the same as our sun. It's not so irrational to think that our sun is different from all the others because its light blocks out all the light from every star in the universe when visible.

3 Reasons D.A.R.E. Sucks

Ah, yes, D.A.R.E., the wholesome, family friendly, drug 'education' program. What could possibly be bad about a program dedicated to preventing drug abuse and violence? Well, for brevity's sake, I'll just hit the main points.

1. D.A.R.E. gives false information about drugs.

After reviewing the information provided on D.A.R.E.'s website, as well as things I remember from when I was in school, most information is either false or contains misleading partial truths. Little or no information is given on different classes of drugs, their effects, or how dangerous different types are. Most D.A.R.E.-educated children don't know the difference between marijuana, meth, or inhalants. All they know is that DRUGS ARE DANGEROUS AND ADDICTING.

Take a look at this article. Marijuana is a for-profit drug? Wicked heathens! I'd much rather take some heroin from the compassionate, loving people at Merck or Astra-Zeneca than feed the money-lusting demons who only sell marijuana for profit! Newsflash, guys: all drugs are made for profit. It's called Capitalism. This is just one example of the slanted misinformation they feed children.

2. D.A.R.E. uses rhetoric and propaganda that doesn't address the actual issue of drug abuse.

Red ribbons. Stickers. Police cars. Coloring books. Flashy Police badges. Instead of simply providing facts about drugs so kids can be informed when they are exposed to drugs, they label drug users as evil, pernicious demons. They condition children to fear and hate drugs by using exaggeratedly graphic depictions of drugs. (I am well aware of the deleterious effects of certain drugs like meth and heroin. Marijuana? Not so much). They utilize a psychological phenomenon known as splitting; they make non-drug users look all good and drug users look all bad. This is also known as the "Us and Them" phenomenon.

This is the same kind of rhetoric used by the Hitler Youth. Before you write me off as being too dramatic, let's actually compare the structure of D.A.R.E. and the Hitler Youth.

• Both use splitting, as previously discussed.
• Both indoctrinate children into unquestioning belief through misinformation and half-truths.
• Both use bold, flashy logos and symbols to solidify support and engender a sense of unity against a common enemy. (Drug users/ ethnic minorities)
• Both use children as informants. (1984, anyone?)
• Both idolize the nation's police force. (Police /SS (It is worth noting that D.A.R.E. wasn't designed to usher children into the military or police (yes this is a parentheses inside a parentheses inside a parentheses- Inception)))

3. D.A.R.E. D.O.E.S. N.O.T. W.O.R.K

Nearly every study that has been conducted concerning D.A.R.E.'s effectiveness at reducing drug use has shown that it either has no effect or a negative effect. Yet somehow, this program is implemented in 75% of public schools nationwide. Taken from Wikipedia:

,

Studies

[edit]1992 - Indiana University

Researchers at Indiana University, commissioned by Indiana school officials in 1992, found that those who completed the D.A.R.E. program subsequently had significantly higher rates of hallucinogenic drug use than those not exposed to the program.^[11]

[edit]1994 - National Institute of Justice

Other researchers found D.A.R.E. to be counterproductive in 1994.^[12] In 1994, the National Institute of Justice published a summary^[13] of a study conducted by the Research Triangle Institute.^[14] The study suggested that D.A.R.E. would benefit from a revised curriculum. This was launched in the fall of 1994.

After the 1994 Research Triangle Institute study,^[13][14] an article in the New Times Los Angeles stated that the “organization spent $41,000 to try to prevent widespread distribution of the RTI report and started legal action aimed at squelching the study.”^[15] The director of publication of the American Journal of Public Health told USA Today that "D.A.R.E. has tried to interfere with the publication of this. They tried to intimidate us."^[16] After reporter Dennis Cauchon published a story questioning the effectiveness of D.A.R.E. in USA Today, he received letters from classrooms around the country, all addressed to "Dear D.A.R.E.-basher," and all using nearly identical language.^[16]

[edit]1995 - California Department of Education

In 1995, a report to the California Department of Education by Joel Brown Ph. D. stated that none of California's drug education programs worked, including D.A.R.E. "California's drug education programs, D.A.R.E. being the largest of them, simply don't work. More than 40 percent of the students told researchers they were 'not at all' influenced by drug educators or programs. Nearly 70 percent reported neutral to negative feelings about those delivering the antidrug (sic) message. While only 10 percent of elementary students responded to drug education negatively or indifferently, this figure grew to 33 percent of middle school students and topped 90 percent at the high school level." ^[17]

[edit]1998 - National Institute of Justice

In 1998, A grant from the National Institute of Justice to the University of Maryland resulted in a report to the NIJ, which among other statements, concluded that "D.A.R.E. does not work to reduce substance use."^[18] D.A.R.E. expanded and modified the social competency development area of its curriculum in response to the report. Research by Dr. Dennis Rosenbaum in 1998,^[19] found that D.A.R.E. graduates were more likely than others to drink alcohol, smoke tobacco and use illegal drugs. Psychologist Dr. William Colson asserted in 1998 that D.A.R.E. increased drug awareness so that "as they get a little older, they (students) become very curious about these drugs they've learned about from police officers."^[20] The scientific research evidence in 1998 indicated that the officers were unsuccessful in preventing the increased awareness and curiosity from being translated into illegal use. The evidence suggested that, by exposing young impressionable children to drugs, the program was, in fact, encouraging and nurturing drug use.^[21] Studies funded by the National Institute of Justice in 1998,^[18][22] and the California Legislative Analyst's Office in 2000^[23] also concluded that the program was ineffective.

[edit]1999 - American Psychological Association

A ten year study was completed by the American Psychological Association in 2006 involving one thousand D.A.R.E. graduates in an attempt to measure the effects of the program. After the ten year period no measurable effects were noted. The researchers compared levels of alcohol, cigarette, marijuana and the use of illegal substances before the D.A.R.E. program (when the students were in sixth grade) with the post D.A.R.E. levels (when they were 20 years old). Although there were some measured effects shortly after the program on the attitudes of the students towards drug use, these effects did not seem to carry on long term.^[24]

[edit]2001 - Surgeon General categorizes D.A.R.E. "Does Not Work"

In 2001, the Surgeon General of the United States, David Satcher M.D. Ph.D., placed the D.A.R.E. program in the category of "Does Not Work."^[6] The U.S. General Accountability Office concluded in 2003 that the program was sometimes counterproductive in some populations, with those who graduate from D.A.R.E. later having higher rates of drug use (a boomerang effect).^[25]

[edit]2007 - Perspectives on Psychological Science Article

In March 2007, the D.A.R.E. program was placed on a list of treatments that have the potential to cause harm in clients in the APS journal, Perspectives on Psychological Science.^[26]

CONCLUSION

This program is dysfunctional. This program is useless. This program blatantly ignores criticism and refuses to change its backwards ways. It preaches falsehoods and labels anyone opposing it an amoral, pernicious malice to society, even, *ahem, people who support abstinence from recreational drugs but reject their asinine propaganda in favor of actual facts. What are they smoking?!

3 Reasons Nikola Tesla is a Boss

1. He made a wireless light bulb.

Yes, you read that right. This man was brilliant enough to make a light bulb that draws energy from electric currents in the air. What a stud.

Imagine never having to charge your iPod or cell phone. Ever. If Tesla had his way, there would be no such thing as a 'phone charger'. This guy was way ahead of the sine curve.

2. He beat Thomas Edison in the War of Currents.

No, other AC/DC, as in Alternating Current/ Direct Current. Tesla argued in favor of Alternating Current, Edison in favor of Direct Current. AC was superior to DC in a number of ways: It used a lower current, which is much safer, is inherently redundant , which basically means the network always remains powered, and it doesn't require large power transformers like DC does. Edison, arguing for the sole purpose of opposing Tesla, and because of the lack of any real arguments in favor of DC, spread false rumors about deaths caused by AC. Edison was even opposed to capital punishment, but Edison payed Harold P. Brown under the table to build the electric chair just to demonstrate that AC was deadlier than DC (which it isn't).

3. Just, crap. Seriously.

"ADHD is for kids who don't want to try"

I have decided to dedicate my very first (real) blog entry to a topic that is near and dear to my heart (or my limbic system)- Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. The purpose of this post will be to dispel the false rumors and claims surrounding this legitimate psychological disorder.

RUMOR #1: Choosing to not focus is not a mental illness.

FACT: Medicine says focusing can be much harder for certain individuals.

While it is indisputable that learning how to focus is one of the most important skills every individual must learn, it is important to understand that the definition of salience differs from person to person. These claims are not substantiated by anecdotal evidence (i.e. it takes a little more effort for Jimmy to focus on homework) alone.

Individuals with abnormal neuroanatomy or lower baseline levels of certain neurotransmitters are naturally attracted to different stimuli. The Low Arousal Theory states that individuals with lower baseline neurotransmitter activity are constantly 'starving' for environmental stimuli. This is why ADHD is treated with stimulants;it helps elevate the naturally low neurotransmitter levels and lift them out of the 'brain fog'. This 'brain fog' is often compared to taking away someone's glasses; you just can't can't seem to focus on the blurry objects. It results in restlesness and anxiety (which can lead to depression and other disorders) Needless to say, a classroom is not a stimulating environment, and the child would seek a more stimulating environment than sitting down and not speaking for 8 consecutive hours.

Such an environment does create some false diagnoses, but the majority of diagnoses are legitimate.

Many argue that "that's just the way some people are." What if we adopted that same attitude towards Bipolar disorder? "He has his ups and downs". Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? "He's just full of himself." The fact of the matter is, the line between psychological disorder and personality trait is drawn when the trait is resistant to change and significantly interferes with a person's ability to function from day to day.

RUMOR #2: Adults don't have ADHD, so kids just need to grow out of it.

FACT: Adult ADHD is very real but manifests itself differently than Childhood ADHD.

The notion that Adult ADHD 'fades away' is not only a misnomer, but factually false. Individuals naturally choose careers that maximize strengths and minimize weaknesses. A child cannot chose his or her environment, and if he or she is disadvantaged in a school environment, tough luck. But then one could argue that such situations are just because of individual differences. Not so. You know that socially awkward, impatient, impulsive guy at work that's always late and procrastinates all his responsibilities? Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't choose to be that way; he has ADHD.

RUMOR #3: ADHD medications pay for the child's lack of effort with his health.

FACT: ADHD plays a significant role in addiction to harmful drugs or habits, and effective treatment of ADHD significantly reduces the chances of acquiring an addiction that is much more harmful than ADHD medications.

Statistical studies show a link between addictive drug use and ADHD. Individuals with ADHD must find a way to compensate; this is called 'self medication', and can include smoking, alcoholism, excessive cannabis usage, and overeating. All these activities are calming because they correct the chemical imbalances in the person's brain. Smoking is especially addictive because nicotine, a stimulant, acts roughly in the same way as ADHD medications. The harmful addictions and maladaptive habits prevented through ADHD treatment greatly outstrip the increased risk sudden of death caused by the medicines. Such anecdotal accounts attract a disproportionate amount of attention and distract from the benefits of treatment. Discontinuing ADHD treatment because of a few isolated incidents is as responsible as eliminating seatbelts to reduce the risk of choking on them.

CONCLUSION: ADHD is a legitimate psychological disorder that warrants the treatment it gets. Don't listen to misinformed jackasses.

(This isn't a scholarly paper so I'm allowed to say things like that ↑)